6/7/2006
Dream last night was about being in some kind of complex and knowing where everyone lived – the thing about a lot of women and finding out what their apartment numbers were. There was something else about blood – like starting my period – and a bathroom with no door and I’m sitting on the toilet and some guy comes and sits across from me and starts to talk to me and it just is like it’s no big deal.
I don’t know if it was about my Mom or chorus – it’s like looking for a sense of community – I wonder what I’m doing to create the availability of friends – there aren’t many around here – no one to just hang with and talk to – no one that I go do things with it’s always about doing things alone. On another note – the Lord’s prayer – he says – when you pray, pray on this wise – Our Father, which art in heaven … and that “our” makes God, my father as much as he was Jesus’.
6/8/2006
Dream last night given some scissors to cut up a paper in a geometric design and it was a hexagon – it was about dividing things up – or dividing up the family???
Second one was about getting prepared for some —- thing? Journey? And like getting clothes and food the clothes were like military fatigues and the food – all of the titles or names had been changed to numbers and there were 500 items that we could choose from – when I would go to look at the lists and the maps of where to go everything had changed and they had covered it all with post it notes so you could removed it to see what it WAS but it didn’t help because I couldn’t tell what it IS. Someone was messing around laying down on the conveyer belt to get down the line and their head was too big to fit in a section that had narrowed down – they had on an old fashioned military helmet and that is what kept them from moving and they never took it off – I’m not sure why – and there was someone else that was really tiny and they could lay there and make it just fine and we were laughing about it
It’s as if everything has changed and keeping the “protective helmet” on makes the journey harder. It isn’t protecting anything at all really – it’s just keeping me blocked from the spirit of God.
6/9/2006
Dream last night – I’m in some house that is like at ground level or below ground because there is a tree outside and there are stairs to walk up to get to the ground level outside – anyway – I’m checking out some kind of musical keyboard that I don’t understand how it all works – it’s built in some circular fashion and there are a lot of wires that are able to be attached – but I don’t realize that until I see some guy come in and play it. I’m babysitting a baby boy and another young kid who’s maybe 11 or 12 and it’s late at night – the baby is really dirty so I am going to give him a bath before putting him to bed. I set him down and walk away to check on something – maybe some noise and I’m gone maybe 2-3 minutes – when I return the baby is totally clean, his hair is damp – like towel dried and he has clean pj’s on – I’m trying to figure out how it happened and there is something about him knowing that I wanted him clean so he ‘made it so’ … the next morning I’m talking to someone and looking at the keyboard again and the older boy is there too and I’m asking him questions – time is slipping away and one of his friends comes by to pick him up and we have him come in too – the next thing I know is that it’s almost time for school to start and the boys haven’t even left the house so the other adult and I are talking about the fact that it’s our fault they are late and maybe we should get them there the ‘other’ way – but is it ok to let the other kid know what we can do – we decide that it’s ok and we find out where to “drop” them off at and ‘send them to school’. Then I go there and there’s someone with a rocking chair that is on the sidewalk – and it is in the way of people walking – there’s a conversation about how to arrange things to keep people safe – that’s when I woke up.
I am in a quandary with what to do next. There’s networking and the time that is involved plus what it really means – the question is can I do what needs to be done without loosing myself AND is that where I will best spend my time?
6/10/2006
Dream last night I’m at a church function and my mom is there and there’s a group of young people singing and messing around and Mom starts crying because Gloria isn’t there so Karen sit’s her in a chair and I go over and talk to her and we’re talking about how Gloria’s doing and that it’s just that she’s sorry that Gloria didn’t get to have more fun here before she died. There’s also some other part where I’m talking to my uncle on the phone.
There is so much to do on the book.
6/15/06
I don’t remember last nights dream clearly – or the night before – I just remember that there was a beautiful horse, a powerful mountain lion, a single wolf and a protective golden retriever and they were all my friends. We were in a field and they were all standing there together waiting for me to tell them what I wanted / needed them to do – to take me – they needed no “harness” or any restraint – we could communicate just by thought.
6/17/2006
Dreamed I’m sleeping at a friends place – and they are in Hollywood – we’re on these beds that are clear and some kind of plastic but it doesn’t feel that way – they are really comfortable – anyway – I’m talking to a friend about the workshops and what we’re going to be doing and how excited I am and we’re planning all of the details and then I am looking for a place to through something away and I finally find a garbage can – it’s on a set and I meet someone and we get to talking and she says that she had done that kind of thing – they even had a show about it but now they are too old and it just wasn’t going anywhere – and I’m asking myself – why in the world am I in Hollywood and doing nothing with it – this is where I’ve wanted to be all of my life and I’m just hanging out – then next thing I know someone there asks me to get something for them – so I do – and then someone else asks if I can help with something else so I’m standing up there holding up some post and then this group comes in to sing Amazing Grace and I’m listening and cringing cuz I could do it better and another group comes in to sing and one of them is like a cross between a couple of other women I know that are singers and sees me and says that we’ve got a ringer in the room –they need me to be in the group – so the director tells me to go get something suitable on so I’m running around the wardrobe area looking for clothes, a wig and make up when some gal stops me and is making fun of the fact that this “nobody” is trying to be “somebody” and I stopped and looked at her and said something about being able to make it – and it had to do with her not knowing her own value to say something mean spirited to someone else – so then I’m out there and the next scene is that there are two assistants who are helping me go get more prepared for the next scene and I’m telling someone about some autograph that I got for the kids
6/18/06
Didn’t remember much just that there was a pig that ran away – there was a pig that had been roasted but – almost like it had been bronzed – very decorative and there were lots of other pigs – very pretty – soft and clean and sweet, I could touch them – they were like pets and there were also these tiny horses that were on reigns like reindeer – there were 8 of them I think and the front 4 were doing tricks – like flipping over backwards and I remember thinking I don’t know how they can do that – like how in the world – horses aren’t able to do that – and there was an answer of – but we can / yes we are doing it so what now.
6/19/2006
Dream last night – was in some restaurant that seemed like a medieval castle theme – talking to a gentleman and he was getting ready to have dinner – the table was set for 6 it was to be him and 5 women – there seemed to be some confusion as there were 6 but one was sort of hiding and said that she wasn’t really expected – wasn’t supposed to be there so she kept ducking out of sight, in the meantime I’m talking with everyone and with the chef and going around and tasting food – like just breaking bits off of the different dishes to see how they taste – what they taste like – and to enjoy them – I’m also hoping that no one really pays attention to me – it isn’t that I’m afraid that I’ll get into trouble – it’s more that I don’t want to offend anyone meanwhile the chef is constantly checking around like he’s looking for someone or has another appointment.
6/24/2006
Dream – I had a couple last night but I seem to have let go of the second one … The first one I got the leading role in a musical that I really wanted – I’m thrilled and it’s like something I haven’t felt since I got the part of Dolly Levi, and it was easy then once I got it I began to question if I could do the part since it had been a long time since I had sung. Then someone else said that they wanted the part and how come they didn’t’ get a chance to audition it’s like I got it and it didn’t go to anyone else – and I went onto the set/stage – it was big and open and dark – late in the evening – and I’m walking around and asking myself if I have a right to be here.
That’s when I woke up – and I knew that it was about Freedom’s Formula and how it’s all coming together so easily and that I don’t know that I deserve to have the “part”.
6/25/2006
Dream last night is that I’m in a choir and on my way to some kind of gathering – I’m in a truck and a friend is driving and we’re talking about plans and stuff and drive through some kind of desert area and stop to eat breakfast. We had bacon and eggs at some truck stop. We went to the place where everyone was gathering – and the different choruses were seated together and I was waving at them there were members from the San Jose chorus and from the Rich-tones, and then I’m trying to get a seat that I can see everyone and the front row seats are all taken but there is a second row seat on the end that is available so I’m going to sit there but I am getting really warm – I decide to take my jacket off – it’s the green corduroy one and I have it on with baggy shorts but I don’t have any other top on. It’s ok to be naked but I’m uncomfortable with it – and I’m holding a large manila envelope in front of myself so that I’m not completely exposed – there doesn’t seem to be anyone saying anything about it – it’s just me that is feeling uncomfortable – so I decide to put a shirt on and I don’t have any of my own so I put on one of my friends white dress shirts – and I don’t even have it buttoned up when I go to stick my wallet in my back pocket and the wallet is loaded with cash (it’s really heavy) and when I do the shorts come down and I’m feeling very awkward in trying to pull the shorts up and button the shirt and tuck it in – I finally get that done and the combination of the shorts and shirt look REALLY stupid so I put the jacket on to cover up the shirt and try to make the shirt and shorts dichotomy not so noticeable – it’s sort of works but still looks really wrong and I’m in the room again and I now look stupid and I’m hot and uncomfortable but I’m not naked…
It seems as if there’s something about money as well as exposing myself in vulnerability … is it just ‘being vulnerable” or is it about a forced situation – exposing something that doesn’t have to be exposed?
I think I miss the drama – I miss the music – there is no acting in all of this – it’s just very — naked. Maybe that is the connection between what I’m doing now and the dream. Taking off the shirt and “getting naked” is about drama and that isn’t what it’s all about either though I’m worried about looking stupid and I don’t feel like I can dress the part so I try to wear other people. Part of what I’m about is avoiding other peoples stories or how “they do it” and if I try to put that on I’ll really look stupid because people will know it isn’t me. It’s doesn’t work to be envious of other people’s gifts and talents because it’s like putting someone else’s clothes on – they don’t fit – they just don’t work for me and they make me out of balance – out of truth – out of integrity.
6/26/06
Dream last night about clothes – and that I had a lot of outfits that were like long caftan robes with silk pants and the one that I was wearing was a purple/blue and silver ornamentation
6/27/06
Dream last night about a lot of ¾ inch video tapes with information on them and they were for the network – I’m at the office and I get them all wet and I’m really worried about it and I’m talking to Susan trying to figure out what to do since I don’t want Sharon to find out.
It’s as if I’m struggling with the changes that are going on in my life still – things have changed so much in the last 15 months it’s amazing. The bigger part of it is that it’s still in the process.
6/28/2006
Dream last night about changing the program – that I could change direction – do something different – trouble recalling the details