Again – the names have been changed

5/4/2006

Last nights dream – I think it started with doing the TRT® meditation using the Cosmic Symbols that I know and on the 22 Pattern Cosmic Symbol (the first one in the sequence) I kept loosing my place at this one spot and seeing some – like piece of paper that had a couple of marks on it on the left hand column – these looked like other symbols and I’d try to make them out without any success. After this happened at least 3 or 4 times – it was like I couldn’t even remember what the last thing I had done was – I finally decided to try and see what this distraction was all about – I ended up falling asleep and having another odd dream.

I’m at some kind of camp and we are divided up into 4 groups – each one is performing in front of the other three – the second group is up there and they are doing the same thing as the first group. We were just given the words that morning to the song and it’s like they all have this memorized and they just “know” this choreography (which is more like a Buzby Berkley / military number than anything else) So I’m sitting with a friend and she says that if I’m going to be singing around her could I not breath too much on her? I started laughing and said “So I should brush my teeth, huh?” and she smiled and said “yes”. So I go take care of that and when I come out we’re on the parade grounds rehearsing our number. I am walking across the ground and thinking 2 things -  1 is that I’m not comfortable because I didn’t work on this song and the other is that it’s just odd – none of us had time to work on it and it’s as if it’s already inside of them and they are all exactly the same no one is thinking about anything – I don’t want that as I’m walking by – [I’m not sure if this is fear of not being prepared or if it is the fear of being in that comatose state on the planet that is dying in A Wrinkle in Time] – I keep walking past and I go ahead and take off flying – it’s very warm up there and I can see the one group that is performing as well as our group that is rehearsing – I land on a roof where I can see everything – it’s almost like a barn roof but easier to sit on due to the difference in structure – I am sitting there and I hear a voice that says “how did you do that?” so I answer ‘them’ that it’s not any big deal – anyone can – it’s just what you think that will determine the outcome. Then I hear someone ask is it really that simple – so this time I’m really looking around because I can’t see anyone – and there’s this little frog looking at me – so I answered him and said ‘yes – it’s just what we think and believe about reality that keeps us stuck – if we can really change our thoughts and beliefs we’ll be free to be the person we dream about’. The next thing I know the frog is this little man – a real dapper looking fellow – and I chuckle and say that’s very good – so are you off to be a performer? He looks at me and smiles and says, “Nope, I’m going to be a Mortgage Broker” [there’s something about helping people ‘get’ the home / place to live…] and he turns and walks off. So it’s really comfortable and I start to fall asleep and as I drift off I see that there is a door at the other end of the roof with a long green carpet that leads up to it – I realize that if there is a door then other people can just walk up here too – but I let it go as it feels so warm and comfortable and fall asleep – only to be awoken in by a little girl pouring liquid on me and it stings – when I’m fully awake I grab the container out of her and ask her what she thinks she is doing??? Does she even know what this stuff is? She says that she is supposed to cleanse me – and she looks over at this old lady who is standing there looking like I’ve done something dreadful and says that I need to be cleansed and never do this again, I must go back down there and be part of this group, – it’s like I’ve really committed some awful crime in flying up here and saying that stuff to the frog … the bottle is weird too – it’s has a lot of writing on it that I can’t read in another language and it has the word ammonia on it – I pour it on the little girl and ask her how she likes it – is she going to do something just because this old lady tells her to? Then I leave and as I get close to where the showers are I walk past this guy that is in charge of this whole affair and I look at him and tell him I never want to hear anything out of his mouth – I never want to talk to him. I keep on walking and there is a pile of laundry that has some clothes that I can change into – as I get closer to the shower I realize that I’m going to shower, change clothes and grab a couple of extra shirts and pants and leave – and I’m leaving forever… and that’s when I got woke up by pw coming in the room.

5/9/2006

So last night I’m looking for the source of this stuck stuff – the night before last I have an awful night and then the day is tough – so I’m doing a hands on and I asked that whatever it is that is letting me stay in this stuck place come to the surface so that I can do whatever I need to and I can get through it … I keep falling asleep again and I dream

I’m walking with a couple of friends along the new England coast and there are all of these waves – I have gotten my hair done for some swank affair later that day and I don’t want to mess it up – the waves are cresting like just over the edge of the cliff as we approach this one particular area that we wanted to pass through – it was like a outside patio with umbrella tables and people can sit and eat (like at the Getty or other nice structures) the closer we get the higher they are breaking – until we finally decide that we can’t get through without getting wet. So we turn around and go back and I go and change clothes to get ready – it’s some really nice long green evening gown with a jacket of sorts. I’m really tired so I decide to rest on the couch for just a bit and while I’m sleeping I “wet the bed” as it were – but when I get up I don’t change clothes and I’m hoping that it will dry in the breeze outside and no one will notice – when I get to the gathering I am standing with my two friends on some stairs watching what is going on and they are slowly edging away from me and when I turn to look at them one of them is fanning themselves as if to say ‘you stink’ – no one can see the spot on the dress but everyone can smell it – I try to find a place to sit where I can get the back of my dress wet to kind of rinse it out if you will and it doesn’t work – when I sit down I can see this huge yellow spot – and I don’t know why no one else can see it.

There seems to be some other pieces in there about a couple of my cousins doing all of this stuff emceeing and such and I am upset that they get to do this when they didn’t even go to school there – then there are the kids and they are having a great time together…

In reflection: So it seems that I’m trying to avoid getting wet – staying looking good from all of this outside stuff and what is inside – what I’ve done to myself is what the bigger issue is – no one ‘sees’ the stain but everyone ‘smells’ it – and I STILL have a headache. As I write the reactions to the radiance stuff and how I feel about it – it’s like I don’t want the responsibility there is a sense of having to “be” the example and I’m not that perfect – my jaw hurts – I just want to quit everything – I’m reminded again of the scripture let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven – there are so many things that I don’t see how to complete not the least of which is the music for the cd then there’s the books then then then

The stuff on the outside that I worry about is so insignificant compared to what is inside that keeps me from moving forward

5/11/2006

So last night’s dream was about getting to the gate to pay for ben’s entry fee in the race as a jocky and all I remember of this one is that I was running late and having some kind of trouble getting to the building – when I finally got there I had to scramble through this crowd and I could see his dad was in line to make the payment – I think I got to the window just in time to pay so his dad didn’t have to – I know that was one thing that ben didn’t have to worry about – or that was taken care of…………

I think it was triggered by the action of loaning someone some money last night and how I shared stuff with ben to help him see what might be going on for him and I didn’t want his dad to pay the money – this is really one that I wanted to take care of.

5/12/2006

Last night I had a dream that was about – being in a play and it rewritten just before opening so that many of the cast were let go – I was supposed to have a partnered dance number someone who was cut – and at first didn’t know what I was going to do – I can’t possibly do some of these moves by myself, I was thinking to myself – well what CAN I do? I decided to see how it felt and found that I could do all of the moves and with little effort it took the shape of some kind of ice skating routine – though it was on a very slick hardwood floor and I had to think about moving different muscles to get the directional momentum that I needed – kind of like isometrics … and when I sat down after the routine it was next to a friend and they were saying how great it had turned out. The setting was some large “cozy” ballroom – cozy only because there was a LARGE old fashioned fireplace and it had a very warm feeling. Then the dream shifted to being outside and digging up a large area to plant a young willow tree – the soil where it was being planted was very rich and soft – easy to dig up but I noticed that there was the remains of an old tree in there that you couldn’t see until just before we were ready to plant – I remember thinking that I didn’t have to worry about digging it all out as I knew that when the new tree took root and began to grow it would push the other old roots and stump up and I would be able to remove it easily

Personal thoughts on this dream – 1) I’ve heard that dreams that have events from the day are primarily just regurgitation – but what if our higher selves or souls are using things we know or relate to to provide answers and lessons so ultimately there is no such thing as “just a dream” 2) It’s my inner work that creates the beauty of the dance in life and I can dance my own dance 3) Since I’ve worked so much at getting to the root of all of the junk in my life I’m now getting to the point where planting the “tree of life” and watering it and nurturing it will, of it’s own accord, bring the old stump and roots to the surface and it will be easily removed as the new tree grows.

5/22/2006

Dream last night – sitting at a networking meeting and there are a couple of speakers and then there is a hula that’s really bad – whoever it is is wearing some blue ruffle trimmed outfit and can’t hula for beans – it’s like they didn’t even try?? And then I’m in some store looking for a new swim suit and there are a few different ones in green and there’s one that I really like but it’s the last one left and it’s a 6-8 and I know that it’s too small and as I’m looking at the size 12’s she starts closing shop and putting things away and won’t let me buy anything because it’s closing time and there isn’t anything I can do.

I know part of it is about being so concerned with appearances and the other part is that time’s run out and I can’t buy anymore. That last part only came up as I was typing this so I am not sure that it’s fear or intuition. I was thinking about the fact that mom’s white count is so high and it’s going to take a lot for her to fight it and I don’t know if she can – she seems to want to so it’s still up in the air – I can’t buy it for her.

5/26/2006

Dream last night – looking in a trunk – putting things away and there is a sense that something is missing so I put my name in code in the trunk to open it and there are 6 or 7 trunks that have the same code – it’s like opening the same trunk but it opens to 6 or 7 different people – I call other people over to show them that I’ve put in my name and the stuff inside isn’t all mine – but part of it is???? Then there is a cell phone that doesn’t belong to me so I’m sitting there with it and admiring how decorated it is and there is a 7 digit phone number that shows up so I’m not sure if that is the one that belongs to the person – I’m just about to turn it off and restart it when a gal comes walking around a corner as if she is looking for something and I hold the phone and watch her walk up – and I’m trying to show her that I didn’t just take it – it was with my stuff. It’s as if each of the trunk loads had stuff that was mine and stuff that wasn’t – notably the stuff that was mine in the different trunks is stuff that I haven’t seen in a while.

As I put this in the blog today – 7-28 – it feels as if it was the awareness that things were getting ready to change with my mom’s death being a couple of days away only I didn’t see it that way being in the middle of it all.

5/27/2006

Dream last night – there’s a shipwreck and a lot of kids – all of the adults were dead and we were taking the kids home – I didn’t know how we were going to teach them – and then I found a book that had sign language and Braille and decided that we would have weeks when we would only communicate in sign language to learn something new.

The ship was really spooky when we found it covered with all sorts of junk mouse droppings old wood and just junk.

5/29/2006

Last night was about some kind of gathering that had to do with performing and the audience didn’t have many high rollers in it – they were scheduled to come another time – I was in front having the group do some kind of choreography and then there was this lady that had passed out on the ground so we had stopped and waited for her to be revived and there was something about not getting in the way of what the doctors were doing – kind of like keeping everyone out of the crowd area

My mom died on the 30th.