It is a beautiful afternoon and the sun is shining down while three young girls, Anna, Kira, and Katrina are playing in the seaside garden. The wildflowers create a scattered field of color with royal purples, rich blues, warm golds, and brilliant reds. The marble pillars that line the walkways reflect the sunlight.
After playing for some time, the girls went down to the white sand along the edge of the ocean when the storm begins to brew and the water is churning. Far off in the distance it a wall of water begins to approach and the girls began to run inland. As Kira looks back, the crest of the water advances like a panther in full flight, determined to reach it’s prey. As the girls continue to run, the approaching wave grows in height and they yell to each other to split off and run in different directions. Anna and Katrina split off running to the left and right while Kira continues to run forward. Within minutes an Angel appears off to Kira’s right just up ahead of her. The angel seems to be floating, maybe an inch or two off the ground keeping about 5 feet ahead of her while she runs.
After a few moments, the angel asks if Kira wants to help her friends and stop this tidal wave. “Of course”, she pants.
The angel smiles and in a calm gentle voice, said a single word, “Stop”.
“Are you crazy?” Kira yelled at her. “I’ll be killed if I stop!”
The angel smiles and continues to pace her for a few more minutes. The conversation repeats itself with one exception – Kira is yelling louder and a bit more panicked. Still, she continues to run. Each time she turned to look at the wave, it appeared to be the same distance behind her but the image of the panther is growing more vivid.
The third time the angel asked if Kira wants to save her friends, she simply one word, “yes” as that is about all the air she had left.
“Then stop running and stand still,” she said. “You’re crazy,” Kira told her, “that wave, that crazy cat, will kill me if I stop.”
“If you really want to help them you must stop running.” she countered.
By this time, Kira didn’t know if she was too tired to be afraid or too afraid to care but she took a deep breath and panting heavily, came to a stop. Another breath and get into a fighting stance with my fists up – thinking that if I have to fight I might as well be ready.
“Now what?” I yelled at her.
She just smiles. It’s almost a Mona Lisa smile that she wears, all-knowing and kind, not a mocking or superior smile. Then she says, “Get down on your knees.”
Now I know I’m in trouble. “On my knees?” I shouted at her – “I’ll die!” At that moment, I had a sense that this HUGE wave was ready to crash over me yet – at the very same time – it was suspended. I realized that for all its immensity – its distance, like the Angel in front of me, never varied one inch.
I took another breath and got down on my knees with the expectation that the wave would break over my head but at least my friends would be safe. My ego had kicked in now and I was willing to die to save them. It was not until later that I realized that the Angel never said anything about dying.
“What now?” I asked.
At that moment, one of my friends came up to stand between the angel and myself. My friend seemed to be an Angel herself but smaller, younger – my size.
My friend held out one hand and the Angel took it and she held the other out to me. Upon taking her hand, the three of us were linked; it was as if I could feel the older Angel inside of me.
At that moment, my other friend came up to us. As I watched, she began to walk toward me with a small rectangular paper with a cellophane insert covering a cutout. (This was similar to the “magic windows” we would get in the cereal boxes as kids.) All you had to do is look through the cellophane and everything would be revealed.
She held it up and began to look at me through it. I started getting uncomfortable at this point, as I knew she could see my heart. She continued walking around the back of me and I immediately said “No”.
The second friend paused and the Guardian Angel asked why I wanted my friend to stop.
“Because I don’t want her to see,” I responded. “But, if she doesn’t continue you won’t be able to save your friends,” she answered.
“She just can’t,” I said. Again, she asked me “Why?”
I was silent for a bit and finally, I said, “Because she’ll see the blackness. She’ll see the blackness of my soul.” I was crying by this time, ashamed of what I knew. Ashamed of what they would see once she looked in my back where the scar was on my neck.
I woke up and the dialogue seemed to continue through the transition. It was no longer a matter of not trusting those around me: my husband, my family or my friends. I did not trust God.
Moreover, that would come out now. Now everyone would know.
I said I believed in God. I talked about how wonderful He is in addition to all of the things He would do for you if only you would let him. But I didn’t trust him myself – and that felt black, dirty – it felt like my life was a lie.
I realized that the dream was about trusting God more than I had ever trusted Him before. I knew He would take care of others and in a way, I knew he would take care of me. However, there was that “but” in there that, as long as I hung on to it, would keep me from knowing total bliss or freedom.
Epilogue – much time has passed since I have had that dream but I still recall the whole thing as vividly as if it had happened yesterday. It is probably because I still struggle with Trust. That that I would do…I do not. I see it more clearly now when I start to be pursued by the waves of fear and doubt but sometimes it still takes my Guardian Angel a couple of times asking me to quiet down and “be still”.